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A long time ago,Antonio,who is one of my favorite students,was absent due to a mysterious incident. On that day, I crept into the classroom, glancing around, I didn't see him. Then I started to think about why he was not present.
很久很久以前，Antonio，他是我最喜歡的一名學生之一，因為謎樣的事情就缺席了。在那天，我悄悄地進到了我的教室，然後掃視了所有人。我沒發現到他，然後我開始想為什麼他沒出席。
First of all,my country was suffering though an epidemic of rising unemployment due to a prosperous countryl.I leapt to a conclusion－－ Antonio's father was deprived of posistion,and there is only one result! Therefore, Antonio dropped out of the school.
首先，我的國家正受到因為繁榮的敵國而急遽攀升的失業率。我直接下了結論－－Antonio的父親被炒魷魚了，而真相只有一個！所以Antonio停學了。
If my theory is correct, then the sun would rise from the west.
如果我的推理是正確的，那麼太陽就會從西邊升起了。
Had my country had not suffered or if the situation should worsen,I will slice the rival president.
但願我的國家沒有遭受(攀升失業率)，萬一情況惡化，我將會砍了敵國的總統。
There, the alarm went again. Antonio finally showed up.He was late as a result of traffic-block.
鐘聲又響了。Antonio 最後出席了。他因為塞車而遲到。
你文章本身的劇情並沒有太大的文提 但是提醒你 你個故事太跳了
文法方面跟字選方面 也許是你的目前的致命傷 (說真的 我懷疑你老師的英文能力)
請看以下 我改的 跟改的原因:
A long long1 time ago,Antonio,which2 was3 one of my favorite students,were4 absent because of5 mystery6.At7 that day, I crept into my8 classroom, glancing round9 everyone10.I didn't found11 him, and then I started thinking12 about why he were4 not present.
First of all,my country was3 suffering 13 an epidemic of rising unemployment because of5 prosperous rival14.I leapt to 15 conclusion－－ Antonio's father was deprived of posistion,and the truth was always only one16!So17 Antonio dropped out of the school.
If my reason18 were3 to be true19, 20 the sun would rise in21 the west.
Would that22 my country had not suffered.If23 the situation should worsen,I will cut24 the rival president.
There went the alarm25 again.Antonio were finally present26.He were late as a result of traffic-block.
我用英文解釋 (中文不太好>.<")
1. a long long time ago - you can either choose to use only one long or both. The only difference is that a long, long time ago (notice the comma) is referring to a time that is way past, where as a long time ago, not too far.
2.which, who and whom. It's harder to explain what they are used for, so i'll give u some examples:
ie. John, who was a friend of mine, delivered a box, which includes serveral items, to Cindy, whom is a best friend of John's, and gave her a hug.
notice that who is referring to urself, whom is referring to themselves and which is referring to an object.
3.past tense and present tense. Antonio is STILL a favorite student therefore it is present. 2nd you have a reason to belive your theory is correct that is present because you JUST made that assumption. 3rd Is the country still going through a hard time or was the country going through a hard time.
4.was and were is a difference between 1 or more than 1. Please be extra careful.
5. Word choice, instead of saying because of this, because of that. It is best to use different ones, and trying to avoid using the word "because" in any essays or short stories. It is more professional and broadens your mind to think about other word choices.
6. Mystery: The word originally came from the adjective Mysterious. We generally use the word "mystery" in a sense of describing a person like a legend. ie. he is a legend. He is a mystery. Therefore i changed it to mysterious to proply suit its use in the phrase you are applying to.
7. At that day or On that day. A day is not a physical place. It is not an object. Therefore you can only say On that day.
8. Is the classroom really yours? If not then it is better to say the classroom
9. glancing round. you are looking at a round object or are you looking around?
10. I choose to delete that word, because you are looking around not necessary only at the people. and it is just a little bit too much to add on.
11. didn't found: when two past tense are put together it is very confusing as to which one is referring to which one. better to use didn't find.
12. Started thinking, one is past tense one is present participal. I don't know if your teacher realized this, but when they go together it is unprofessional, therefore i changed it to started to think.
13. I added a conjuction word to better flow your senentence "through"
14. You are right on using the word rival, but if you use rival, then it is better to continue using it through ur entire story. Otherwise you will confuse the readers.
15. 1 conclusion? 2 conclusions? maybe 3 who knows? put your conjuctions in to make the readers clear about what you are expressing.
16. To be honest with you. I didn't like that phrase at all. This is not a comic book! So either tell the reader what the truth was? or you and rephrase it.
17. Again with the word choice: "So", " because", "in conclusion" these type of words are best not to be presented in an essay
18. reason? wat reason? you didn't explain wat reason. neither did you explain a theory, but it is better to use theory than a reason, due to the fact that a theory is more of a logical thought than a reason.
19. Again word choice, i rather say correct then to be true.
20. Without the conjuction word, your sentence is a run-on sentence
21. So you can be "in" the west or "from" the west?
22. Would, Should, Had: Had you have not done that, Would you had not done that, Should you had not done that. Hey guess what they all have "had" why not shorten yourself that step!
23. You have 2 incomplete sentences, so just combine them, and it will be okay
24. Word choice again, but i still wouldn't use that kind of language in an essay. especially homework.
25.This is rephrasing, don't worry yours is fine, but i just rephrased it.
26. Count how many times you used "Present" choose a different word, doesn't necessary have to be a big word, but suited.
希望大大可以讓我拭目以待 我期待妳的文章一天比一天好 加油
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